i graduated yesterday. and the day before that. and three days before that.
three ceremonies. about 10 (?) hours of standing, sitting, walking, hugging, clapping, screaming, etcetera. thousands of graduates. thousands more guests. some grad parties. three dinners. two friends from home visiting. one friend's plus one (who is also a friend, but not from home). two homes. four weeks until diplomas ship. two parents. one sister in vietnam, one taking an ap exam. one well-wish, one "good luck," to each of them.
(--these are just numbers i am listing out)
i have had about 10 hours and three days and, well, five years to think about graduating from college. maybe more if you think about the times in high school i thought about the insane, far-away idea of graduating college.
i remember my high school graduation and how final everything seemed. i remember the sentiment i put into everything-- my last assignments, my last classes, my last messages to teachers. despite this, after graduation, i remember being shipped off to college without ever feeling like i said goodbye.
but that was just a feeling. that feeling existed inside of me, sure, but on the outside i absolutely said goodbye. my name was read off during our ceremony. i accepted an offer to college. i made an even more obvious gesture of goodbye by flying myself to ireland and settling the rest of my college career in boston, miles away from pennsylvania.
how many have i made in my life, and how many of them was i even aware of? what was that feeling i had in high school? am i feeling it now?
i was noodling on the "point" of these ceremonies. marriages, graduations, birthdays... why do we place so much emphasis on them? because they're just things you can have, milestones to reach? what's the point of a milestone?
the thought that's been in my head is that a graduation, or any type of ceremony, is a goodbye. it's a time where you can look at your calendar and say, "from this point on, my life will not be the same." and it seems obvious, or it seems very straightforward, but i think that's what i wasn't realizing in high school. i didn't know, nor did i want to accept, that my life would not be the same after i graduated. i also refused to believe that it's okay to change, to say goodbye, to have life be different.
goodbyes seemed scary-- i was afraid of what came next, afraid of the security of everything staying the same. it was a very draining way to live and it left me with lingering feelings, regrets, sadness, guilt, fear-- i didn't believe in myself to be able to be okay, or figure it out, or find where i am meant to be.
during a particularly messy period of my life, i decided to spend the latter half of college investing a lot of time in mental health. i can talk more about that at another time. in this counseling period i worked through a lot of stuff i had in my head. one of the things we talked about was mindsets-- things i was choosing to believe, like "i won't be able to figure anything out" or "i can't finish college" or "goodbyes are scary."
i say this in a very straightforward way now, but it did take a lot of work to get to a point where i can state i am no longer afraid of saying goodbye. one day i want to talk more about this.
so my mindset shifted. here's what it is now: i learned a lot about myself during this period of my life. i had many, many experiences; messy, fun, weird, and busy ones. i did more than i thought i could, personally, professionally, and academically. my mindset now is closer to gratitude, grace, and acceptance-- college is over! these ceremonies are my time to experience that moment, to reflect on what i learned, and move forward.
college graduation is the first step into even more uncertainty than i did when i graduated high school. instead of entering what is functionally 13th-18th grade (i was in a five year program), i am entering... the rest of my life!
i still have questions and i still could be clearer about where i want to be and what direction i want to go in, but it is exciting to be in that position. there is time to figure it out. i am excited to see what i find.